All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You left your phone here
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