remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Duck Duck Cougar?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
