The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
