i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
