Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
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