i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
