there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
