How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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