Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
