i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
