there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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