So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
