.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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