So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
