dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
