Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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