So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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