Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Randomize
