Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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