Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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