He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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