Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
