If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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