i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
