My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
