just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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