I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
