The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
