I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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