I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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