You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
