His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
