Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
