Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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