everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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