The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
