I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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