I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Randomize
