Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
