haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
