the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
