he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
