was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
