I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
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