its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
