Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
After tacos, we're chasing women.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
