well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
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