I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
