Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
