I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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