I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
