Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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