I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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