the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
