Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
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