The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
