We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
